Shark Attack, Kids These Days, and Smart Status Posts

Start your week off right, share one of these…

Smart Facebook Status Posts:

  1. You know you’re getting old when your favorite kind of plans are canceled plans!
  2. I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
  3. Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
  4. The only time I put my phone down is when it rings.
  5. Must be lonely over there on “I’m offended by jokes” island.
  6. You’ve got roughly .003 seconds after the cashier gives you your change to clear out before the person behind you wants to set you on fire
  7. There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
  8. So when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I’m moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.
  9. My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
  10. Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
  11. Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
  12. The happiness of your life…depends on the quality of your thoughts.
  13. Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up too…unless you are in jail.
  14. I don’t care if it’s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I’m 97% more likely to participate.
  15. The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird shit.
  16. Always remember the three R’s of life: 1) Respect for yourself 2) Respect for others 3) Radiation gives you superpowers
  17. It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
  18. Usually relationships end when people get tired of pretending to be the person their partner likes.
  19. Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
  20. Facebook Status: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are! Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Large Hammerhead Shark Near Miss:

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When someone tells you SHARK you gtfo of the water! Their reaction when they finally realize is priceless.

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BBQ Tools, Pizza Hut Cat, and 20 Tasty Statuses

Make your weekend last longer, share these…

20 Tasty Facebook Statuses:

  1. I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!
  2. What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.
  3. They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
  4. When my phone dies and I don’t have a charger, I might as well be Amish.
  5. Most stress is caused by three things: family, money, and family with no money.
  6. I’m really over this whole working for a living thing.
  7. I’m happy as long as I’m not hungry.
  8. There’s always time for a glass of wine.
  9. Wedding cake… one last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.
  10. Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
  11. I will never trust anyone enough to let them scroll through my photos unsupervised.
  12. I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
  13. That moment when you want to throw a lamp at someone so they’ll lighten the f*ck up.
  14. I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it.
  15. If I haven’t said something vulgar to you then we probably aren’t good friends.
  16. The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single last one of them.
  17. Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
  18. For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
  19. I’m not sure where you learned to whisper but I’m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by chainsaws.
  20. After reading this sentence you will notice that the the brain doesn’t recognize the second the.

WittyStatus | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cat Works at Pizza Hut, this is his job:

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He does his job well, not a speck of dust in that Pizza hut!

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Lazy People, Party Car, & Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

Friday is finally here, celebrate with these…

Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Breaking News: The makers of Hello Kitty have announced that Hello Kitty is not in fact a cat, but a human girl MY WHOLE LIFE IS ONE BIG LIE
  2. Me: Should I make a sarcastic comment or not…
  3. Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
  4. Coffee is not just a beverage…it’s a cup of liquid sanity.
  5. Don’t trust people that dislike Tacos. They’re probably not human.
  6. People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
  7. I hate it when you’re eating cereal and the last 4 pieces are like “Catch me if you can bitch”.
  8. I like to think I treat my body like a temple. A Temple of Doom, but a temple nonetheless.
  9. I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
  10. If you want to feel like an asshole, try explaining a fish tank to a visitor from Somalia. “This is food and water we just look at.”
  11. That awkward eye contact moment when you’re just looking around and someone is already looking at you.
  12. Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.
  13. Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
  14. I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
  15. The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
  16. Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
  17. Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
  18. Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.
  19. If it doesn’t make you stupid, it’s not love.
  20. The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Party Car…

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That makes me happier than it should. Share if you enjoyed ;)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Group Projects, Prairie Dog, and Cool Status Posts

One of these is guaranteed to get laughs, pick and share…

Cool Facebook Status Posts:

  1. I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
  2. 1: Go to iTunes.
    2: Check top albums & top singles.
    3: Understand why the world is going to shit.
  3. I agree that some people might have been dropped on their heads as a baby, but some people were clearly thrown against a wall.
  4. That awkward moment when you’re late for class, and when you walk in, everyone stares at you like you killed someone.
  5. The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
  6. How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
  7. Shout out to loud sneezers. What the hell was that? Did you just get shot?
  8. Sorry you remember meeting me but I don’t remember you. Be less boring.
  9. When getting to know someone make sure you find out if their ‘volunteer work’ isn’t really community service.
  10. There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
  11. Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don’t have to hear what she’s talking about.
  12. No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
  13. If you love something let it go but make sure one of your close friends is still friends with it on Facebook so you can stalk it.
  14. Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
  15. I’ve spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.
  16. So. I don’t see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I’ll start up the mower….stupid grass.
  17. Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad
  18. Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.
  19. Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
  20. My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Prairie Dog too fat to get out of his hole… 

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Poor guy needs to lay off the french fries.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.