Worst Joke Ever, My Brain, and 20 Wonderful Weekend Status Posts

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

20 Wonderful Weekend Status Posts:

  1. American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
  2. The gift of gab doesn’t feel like a gift when it’s been given to your spouse.
  3. Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
  4. Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they’ve answered the first.
  5. People will stop asking you questions if you answer back in interpretive dance.
  6. Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
  7. I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.
  8. I just wanna find a nice person to hang out with until I drop dead. Is that too much to ask??
  9. Never show up to my house without wine.
  10. If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
  11. I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
  12. The awkward moment when you hold the door open for someone then suddenly everybody in the building decides to go out.
  13. Feeling crazy is a perfectly reasonable reaction to being alive.
  14. Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am
  15. Just paid for lunch with dimes and nickels, in case anyone needs a financial advisor.
  16. How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we’ll call it “ENJOY YOUR LIVES”
  17. I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
  18. If your name exceeds four syllables, I’m gonna just call you “hey”
  19. I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
  20. 99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Worst Joke Ever..

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I didn’t think we would ever find it. But, there you have it folks. The worst joke in the world.

Have a great weekend! Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App. See you on Monday :)

Online Shopping, Paddle Boarder Meets Whale, & 20 Amusing Facebook Statuses

Score more likes, share one of these…

20 Amusing Facebook Statuses:

  1. That awkward moment when someone gives you a compliment and you can’t think of one in return.
  2. Who wants to give up on Society and go live in a treehouse with me?
  3. How I clean my room:
    -starts at one corner
    -finds something from 6 years ago and stares at it nostalgically for 5 hours
    -goes to bed
  4. When you’re wearing a watch on an airplane, time flies.
  5. Me: Oh wow, how much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
    “Sir, this is the beer aisle of the grocery store.”
  6. I’ve never been held hostage, but I HAVE been in a group text, so….pretty much same thing.
  7. Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
  8. The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
  9. I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
  10. Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
  11. They say you’ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there’s some middle step I’ve been missing?
  12. Hard butter is the devil.
  13. A secret handshake will get you into the “Beyond” section of Bed Bath & Beyond. Includes video games, beer & lightsabers. Ask for Steve.
  14. Things are getting pretty serious between us. We haven’t laughed in months.
  15. Maybe the chicken saw someone from high school. Just sayin’
  16. “Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
  17. If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.
  18. It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.
  19. I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
  20. Create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Paddle boarder encounters whale..

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What a beautiful encounter. Whales are such amazing creatures. Please feel free to share or like if you enjoyed that video.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

McFlurry Spill, Perspective, & Sharp Status Updates

Get over hump day, share one of these..

20 Sharp Facebook Statuses:

  1. Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
  2. The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
  3. If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
  4. The main problem with my selfies is that all of them are pictures of me.
  5. I’m fine with everyone having babies. Takes the pressure off those of us who prefer wine over children.
  6. I’d skip my coffee but we don’t want to wake the cracken.
  7. I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
  8. At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?
  9. They say your memory is the first thing to… something…
  10. I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
  11. Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don’t want to go to prison.
  12. I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.
  13. Those three little words they need to hear… Told you so!
  14. I wonder how many people who “fucking love science” on Facebook, fucking dreaded it in middle school.
  15. Crazy thought, there is someone in the world who has lived the equivalent of the entirety of your life in prison.
  16. A broom is just an acoustic vacuum.
  17. I lost my mood ring, I’m not sure how I feel about this.
  18. No no, it’s fine, I’ll text myself back.
  19. me: yeah can i have a large iced coffee
    barista: you….sure you want iced? its cold outside.
    me: *leans in really close*
    me: i feel nothing
  20. I don’t sugar coat. I’m not Willy Wonka.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Guy taps breaks while his girl is eating a McFlurry and then this happens..

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Haha! Her reaction is classic. Please feel free to Share/Like if you want to make someone laugh.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Selfie Struggle, Broccoli Refusal, and 20 Priceless Facebook Statuses

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20 Priceless Facebook Statuses:

  1. Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
  2. Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
  3. All the popular baby names you hate while pregnant will be the names of your child’s friends and classmates.
  4. We should all run 6k instead of 5k so we can find the cure for cancer faster.
  5. Every-time I decide to give up caffeine, I take a sip of coffee, tea and Diet Coke and think, “hmm better not!”
  6. Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
  7. If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
  8. Nothing like working in the real world to make you lose all faith in human intelligence.
  9. Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
  10. I have been on Facebook a little over two years now. I think it’s time I tried to stand up and see if my legs still work.
  11. How much for the puzzle with one billion pieces and no picture to reference? “Sir, that’s a woman.”
  12. I clean my house like everyone else. Completely. 5 minutes before someone comes over.
  13. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  14. Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
  15. 2014: single
    2015: single
    Consistency is key guys
  16. Will say this of squirrels, they seize the f*cking day.
  17. My crush just liked my selfie. I know that’s a really annoying sentence but f*ck you it made me do a cartwheel.
  18. Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
  19. At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
  20. Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cutest Broccoli Refusal Ever:

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I know how you feel, mr. rodent.  I too can’t stand the broccoli. You just refused it in such an elegant way.

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