Make today count, share one of these…
Epic Facebook Status Posts:
- I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So….see you after breakfast.
- If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
- There’s no panic like trying to press “End” when you make an accidental call.
- I have the ability to get a song stuck in anyone’s head and I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be over.
- My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
- The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
- Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
- People say circumcision dosen’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.
- Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
3.) prisoner of war beard
4.) homeless person beard
5.) wizard beard
- The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.
- Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
- If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
- No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
- I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
- Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
- Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don’t want to see.
- It scares me that some of you have children.
- I’d like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button… in like 9 minutes.
- My wife said, “You always blame everyone else when things go wrong” I said..”And whose fault is that?”
- The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.
Awkward Moment When You Go To Help And No One Notices…
Happens to the best of us :) Poor kid / guy!