Lazy People, Party Car, & Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

Friday is finally here, celebrate with these…

Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Breaking News: The makers of Hello Kitty have announced that Hello Kitty is not in fact a cat, but a human girl MY WHOLE LIFE IS ONE BIG LIE
  2. Me: Should I make a sarcastic comment or not…
  3. Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
  4. Coffee is not just a beverage…it’s a cup of liquid sanity.
  5. Don’t trust people that dislike Tacos. They’re probably not human.
  6. People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
  7. I hate it when you’re eating cereal and the last 4 pieces are like “Catch me if you can bitch”.
  8. I like to think I treat my body like a temple. A Temple of Doom, but a temple nonetheless.
  9. I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
  10. If you want to feel like an asshole, try explaining a fish tank to a visitor from Somalia. “This is food and water we just look at.”
  11. That awkward eye contact moment when you’re just looking around and someone is already looking at you.
  12. Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.
  13. Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
  14. I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
  15. The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
  16. Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.
  17. Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
  18. Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.
  19. If it doesn’t make you stupid, it’s not love.
  20. The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Party Car…

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That makes me happier than it should. Share if you enjoyed ;)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Group Projects, Prairie Dog, and Cool Status Posts

One of these is guaranteed to get laughs, pick and share…

Cool Facebook Status Posts:

  1. I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
  2. 1: Go to iTunes.
    2: Check top albums & top singles.
    3: Understand why the world is going to shit.
  3. I agree that some people might have been dropped on their heads as a baby, but some people were clearly thrown against a wall.
  4. That awkward moment when you’re late for class, and when you walk in, everyone stares at you like you killed someone.
  5. The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
  6. How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
  7. Shout out to loud sneezers. What the hell was that? Did you just get shot?
  8. Sorry you remember meeting me but I don’t remember you. Be less boring.
  9. When getting to know someone make sure you find out if their ‘volunteer work’ isn’t really community service.
  10. There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
  11. Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don’t have to hear what she’s talking about.
  12. No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
  13. If you love something let it go but make sure one of your close friends is still friends with it on Facebook so you can stalk it.
  14. Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
  15. I’ve spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.
  16. So. I don’t see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I’ll start up the mower….stupid grass.
  17. Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad
  18. Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.
  19. Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
  20. My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Prairie Dog too fat to get out of his hole… 

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Poor guy needs to lay off the french fries.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

90 Year Old Dancing, Family, and Snarky Facebook Status Updates

Score more likes, share these…

20 Snarky Status Updates for Facebook / Whatsapp:

  1. Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
  2. The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
  3. All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
  4. There’s one energy source we’ll never run out of: the anger of men under 5’7″.
  5. Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, “Now thats-a spicy meatball!” people will learn not to ask you things.
  6. Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight
  7. “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?” “One second. Siri, do you know why this dick pulled me over?”
  8. I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they’re like ‘Hey, what are you doing here?’ I tell them ‘You know.. hunting elephants.’
  9. Second chances have never been a problem with me… I tend to give about 7 or 8 before I realize I’m an idiot.
  10. Women belong in the kitchen.
    Men belong in the kitchen.
    Everybody belongs in the kitchen…the kitchen has food.
  11. I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
  12. Really regretting not taking advantage of nap time as a child.
  13. Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
  14. How many gummy bears is too many? Asking for a friend.
  15. It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you….like, “It’s time to wake up.”
  16. Women are not complicated. Just buy us chocolate and tell us we’re pretty and you’re basically set.
  17. My first act as ruler of the universe would be changing the week to: Sunday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.
  18. Think about yourself when you were ten, would you be disappointed in the person you are now?
  19. I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
  20. At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

90 Year-old has unbelievable dance skills:

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What an inspiration! Amazing!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Miley Cyrus, Crazy, and Fun Status Posts

One of these is guaranteed to make you laugh….

20 Fun Facebook Status Posts:

  1. I want to be buried with a shotgun and a box of shells. Then someday I’ll be the most bad ass zombie ever.
  2. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
  3. Sometimes I just need to lay on the couch and do nothing for three years.
  4. The older I get, the more badly I realize I need adult supervision.
  5. Sure, your prince might come. But just in case he doesn’t, God created cats and wine.
  6. I disagree that hunger isn’t an emotion. I feel it in my SOUL.
  7. Home is where I can look and feel ugly and totally enjoy it.
  8. Bitch, I know guac is extra.
  9. You can still get pizza in 30 minutes or less if you end every phone order with: “I’m 530lbs and Ill be wearing pants for 30 minutes ONLY.”
  10. 1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
  11. If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.
  12. If you love someone, let them go before they ruin your life.
  13. You’re not a piece of sh*t. You’re the whole damn sh*t pie.
  14. I’m not a negative person. I’m positive I hate you.
  15. Hey, we never talked in high school! Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk! JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
  16. You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
  17. You can’t wish for change if you’re not prepared for something new.
  18. There’s only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I’d like to order or Lemme get a uhhh.
  19. Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
  20. The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Guy Sings “Crazy” on Mexican Subway at Full Volume…

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First I laughed, then I clapped. He was actually pretty good :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.