Facebook in a Nutshell, Angry Baby Possum, and Bright Status Updates

Enjoy your Thursday pick one and share it….

Bright Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Political views are like children. Some people don’t have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.
  2. Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.
  3. I’m glad they finally made waterproof phones. Pushing friends into the pool is funny.
  4. If the T-Rex had arms that were long enough to hug, they probably wouldn’t have been so mean.
  5. I wish the “Do not ask me again” option existed in real life.
  6. Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
  7. “Hold me.” -Grudges
  8. I feel confident that Laim Neeson would be there for me if I listed him as my emergency contact.
  9. Don’t forget: it’s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
  10. Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
  11. It’s sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her “I need attention” Facebook picture.
  12. Fate is when you find something you were never looking for and realize it’s everything you never knew you wanted.
  13. Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.
  14. It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
  15. Humor is of two types – below the belt and above the forehead.
  16. Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
  17. I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
  18. Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
  19. I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”
  20. All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Facebook in a Nutshell…

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Welp, that’s about right.

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Whale Lifts Kayak, Scary Boats, and Absurd Facebook Statuses

Get through Hump Day, share these….

Absurd Facebook Status Updates:

  1. If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
  2. My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
  3. I like to run in front of people approaching automatic doors and shout, “Let me get that for you!” I’m a stupid asshole.
  4. It only becomes a mistake if you regret it.
  5. I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!
  6. Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
  7. I like to mess with dudes wearing Tapout shirts by saying “Cute top!”
  8. Woodpeckers have very clear life goals.
  9. If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
  10. The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
  11. Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
  12. Glad to live in a time where being social doesn’t require making eye contact.
  13. I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.
  14. I’ll never take a bullet for you… If I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move out of the freakin way!
  15. I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
  16. Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
  17. If you want to know what happens after we die, read over my shoulder with food in your mouth.
  18. Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”
  19. Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
  20. I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me, then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
  21. Navigating through costco makes me hate the entire human race. I would pay a premium to shop here after hours when it closed.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

This is reallllllyyyy Skerrrryyyyyy

Note to self: Don’t get into yachting…. Welp, guess I won’t have to worry about this one.

Unbelievable!!! Whale lifts Kayak straight out of the water…

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Those people are remarkably calm considering what just happened to them. That was nuts!

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Dancing Oldman, Happy Ass, and 20 Entertaining Facebook Statuses

Score more likes, share these…

20 Entertaining Facebook Statuses:

  1. Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
  2. Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
  3. If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
  4. 1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians.
  5. Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
  6. I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace.
  7. I hate going to sleep. but when I do… I never want to wake up.
  8. Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink!
  9. “Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
  10. When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see him too?”
  11. The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.
  12. Fear less, trust more; take less, give more; whine less, thank more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more.
  13. When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.
  14. Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
  15. Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
  16. The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
  17. Like this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
  18. Sometimes I like to click the “hide this ad” feature on Facebook ads and then click “uninteresting” just to fuck with their data.
  19. Know how when you stare at a word too long or say it too many times it starts to not make sense? Waffles
  20. 5 star hangover: You have a second heartbeat in your head. Death seems pretty good right now. You can’t focus as your eyes are scrunched up From the overwhelming glare of any light. Rancid booze vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it’s toothpaste crust. You don’t give a shit either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You’d cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. You look so pathetic. You called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Happy Ass…

No doubt, that is one happy ass.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.

Metal Construction, Puppy Push, and Brilliant Status Updates

Brighten Up Your Monday, Share These…

20 Brilliant Facebook Status Updates:

  1. First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
  2. If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating.
  3. Hey guys if you’re looking to test out a nasty computer virus or some horrible spyware, my mom would gladly open/download/test it for you.
  4. My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.
  5. I have my fourth interview with the same company tomorrow. Not sure if I’m a prime candidate for the job or if I’m dating the CEO.
  6. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
  7. My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
  8. My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
  9. Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
  10. Dudes. The most cringeworthy creeper line is: Don’t I get a hug? Stop saying that. We hate it. Good Talk.
  11. I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
  12. 7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
  13. I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
  14. “I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
  15. I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy” I then wait at green lights ’til I feel better about myself.
  16. I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
  17. Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down..
  18. Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them…
    I do.
  19. Zombies want brains…. you’re safe.
  20. We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Hardcore Death Metal Construction…

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Those guys take their job seriously :) Lol!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.