Turkey Slurpee, Morning Texts, and Holiday Humor Status Updates 2014

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Holiday Status Updates 2014:

  1. I really hope 2015 is a better year.
  2. Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like “what is a movie”
  3. You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can’t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
  4. Just realized in 6 years it’s going to be the 20s again so I propose we bring back swing music and jazz attire please that would be great… thanks!
  5. It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
  6. Listening to an album for the first time is weird because you have to give ur full attention to it and you can’t sing along.
  7. Be soft, kind and loving. But also take nobody’s shit.
  8. I have a Pinterest board and therefore should not have to tell people what I want for Christmas.
  9. How much whiskey goes into cookies? I’m new to this whole baking thing.
  10. Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
  11. Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
  12. I like coffee that kicks you in the face in the morning.
  13. Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
  14. I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
  15. I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
  16. F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
  17. Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
  18. Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
  19. Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
  20. May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Girl Eats a Piece of Turkey in 1-second Flat:

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What did I just watch and why did I watch it 20 more times? That was insane. Like or share if you agree.

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Accent Challenge, Getting Through Life, and Entertaining Facebook Statuses

Share a laugh with someone, use one of these…

20 Entertaining Facebook Statuses:

  1. I could get out of bed but staying in sounds like the better option.
  2. 200% sure that all of my friend have secret meetings where they just talk about how annoying I am.
  3. 2015 is in 13 days and I’m still overthinking things I did in 2008.
  4. This jar of peanut butter says “may contain nuts” on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
  5. Putting my GPA up for adoption because I can’t raise it myself.
  6. Me most of the year: I want that and that and that and that and…..
    Me in December: I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING I WANT
  7. I need a new job. Trophy wife sounds like a good option.
  8. That awkward moment when you want to laugh in a serious situation.
  9. Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
  10. Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
  11. BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.
  12. Cop: Are you high right now?
    Me: Well I was until you showed up, Buzzkill Mc.Flashlight.
  13. The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
  14. With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
  15. Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
  16. If you can’t fix it with duct tape or a martini; it ain’t worth fixing.
  17. It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
  18. Look I see that you love me and would kill for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I’ll play the odds. -Woman logic
  19. Be the strange that you want to see in the world.
  20. Do you ever just rub your eyes so hard that you just start entering some other galaxy of swirls and patterns?

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Accent Challenge Gone Bad…

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Guess she forgot how to Jamaican :) LOL! Share or like if you enjoyed.

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Dog Can Walk Again, Multiple Personalities, & 20 Great Facebook Status Updates

Score more likes, share one of these…

20 Great Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “morning” and “mourning” sound the same…
  2. Before calling me, ask yourself, “Is this textable?”
  3. LIFE HACK: You literally don’t have to be friends with people you don’t like.
  4. *texts back 6 weeks later* sorry I fell asleep
  5. It’s kinda scary when you waste an entire day doing nothing and time just passes.
  6. Sometimes I wish I was full of tacos instead of emotions.
  7. I love sleep because it’s a Time Machine to Breakfast.
  8. Some people should come with subtitles.
  9. The uglier I look around you, the closer friends we are.
  10. “OK we HAVE to stop eating this.”
    *takes one more bite*
  11. Every morning that isn’t Saturday morning makes me want to cry.
  12. Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
  13. Home is where your mom is.
  14. There’s only one thing better than the cutest cat in the world. Literally any dog.
  15. Gotta run to Target. See you in about half my paycheck.
  16. That horrible feeling you get when you’re not asleep anymore.
  17. If you hear someone sing Jingle Bells and you don’t respond with Batman smells then I don’t wanna be friends with you.
  18. 1. Buy groceries. 2. Overeat. 3. Eat all groceries in 4 days. 4. Starve for two weeks. 5. Repeat.
  19. The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
  20. How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Can Walk Again, Thanks To 3D Printing…

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What a beautiful story, share or like if you enjoyed!

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That One Friend, Guilty Dog Strikes Again, and Smart Status Updates

Make someones day, share one of these…

20 Smart Status Updates:

  1. Adulthood: I haven’t checked my bank account in weeks, but my card hasn’t been declined yet so everything must be fine.
  2. My parents are lucky I was too lazy to go through a rebellious phase.
  3. My whole life is just “oh ok”
  4. *puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
  5. Boom, crash, the sound of my grades.
  6. Do you ever have those people that just annoy you so much and you don’t even know why but they just infuriate you?
  7. Two tips for Christmas:
    1) Forget the past, you can’t change it.
    2) Forget the present, I didn’t get you one.
  8. It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
  9. A careful driver is one who just saw the car ahead of him get a traffic ticket.
  10. I don’t like being around people who don’t eat as much as I do.
  11. That horrible feeling you get when you’re not asleep anymore.
  12. The older I get, the more I understand someone’s desire to just say-”F-ck it. I’m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge.”
  13. Decided to make a life altering decision today…. When I think of it I’ll let you know.
  14. I don’t like who I am when I see a wasp.
  15. That awkward moment when you don’t understand the feeling that you’re feeling.
  16. Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
  17. Yes, I’m wearing sunglasses inside. No, I don’t wanna talk about it.
  18. I put on a layer of fat for the winter. Unfortunately, I put it on in the winter of ’98.
  19. I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
  20. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

The Internets Most Guilty Dog Strikes Again:

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That’s one guilty doggie :) he clearly knows he’s been caught red… lipped! Share if you enjoyed.

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