Halloween Status Updates 2014

Halloween on a Friday? That’s what I’m talking about! Share some laughs, share one of these…

Halloween Status Updates 2014:

  1. Asked my kid what her favorite part of today’s Halloween party and she pointed at thin air and said, “that ghost”…. Now I have to move houses.
  2. Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
  3. I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
  4. Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
  5. You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
  6. I’m surprised kids haven’t found a way to trick or treat online yet.
  7. Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
  8. For Halloween I’m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
  9. I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
  10. Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
  11. The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
  12. I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
  13. For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers.
  14. Halloween Costume Idea: Flower Print Scrubs, Skechers Shape-Ups, Perm. I call it “Not Sexy Nurse”
  15. I want to wear the scariest costume I can think of to work for Halloween this year, so I’m going as a pregnancy test.
  16. Halloween should just be changed to National Dress Like a Hoe Day.
  17. Best thing about Halloween is …you can wear whatever you want ;-)
  18. Dear Girls : No Need To Do Anything For Halloween … Just Remove The Makeup And Go To The Party :P
  19. Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween?
    Me: Drunk!
  20. Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
  21. How much fun it would be to own a lightsaber in a zombie apocalypse???

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

And, the Award for Best Kids Halloween Costume…

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He’s so Bouncey!

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Ladies Amirite, Stupid Cat, and Good Status Updates for Facebook.

Make someones Day…

12 Good Status Updates for Facebook:

  1. Please enjoy your day. Not mine.
  2. If halloween to new years isn’t your favorite time of the year we have a problem.
  3. Four drinks and I’m using curse words like commas.
  4. Eat like no one is watching.
  5. If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
  6. I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
  7. How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
  8. If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it louder.
  9. Paper cuts: so small, but so evil.
  10. If he texts you while he’s with his family, that means he really likes you. Or he just hates his family.
  11. GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF: Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now and you sweetheart ? GF: In the club standing right behind you.
  12. Don’t act like you never waddled across the house to get a new roll of toilet paper with your pants around your ankles.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

STupid CAt (one day late for Cat day, but, everyday is Cat day on the internets amirite?)

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Ugh, that makes me love muh cat more. They suck but, they sure are loveable!

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Best Golf Shot Ever, Terrible Work Epidemic, and Good Time Status Updates

Pick something that fits and share it…

Sharable Facebook Status Updates for a Good Time:

  1. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
  2. Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
  3. Your cat thinks of you as a pet.
  4. Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
  5. What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
  6. Sargasm: the exhilarating feeling you get when the right person understands that you weren’t serious and appreciates your joke.
  7. I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
  8. Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.
  9. Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
  10. If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
  11. On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
  12. Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
  13. Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
  14. I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant.
  15. Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
  16. Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.
  17. Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
  18. I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
  19. It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
  20. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Best Golf Shot Ever…

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That was phenomenal! The tap-in for birdie was too easy so he took the long road home :) LOL – share if you enjoyed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Cruel Mommy, Trucks, and Smart Status Updates

Make Tuesday fun, share one of these…

Smart Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Only a fool trips on what’s behind him.
  2. Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
  3. *cares more about TV show characters and their problems than my own*
  4. If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
  5. Me: Mom I need money
    Mom: What? Did you spend those two dollars I gave you in 2003 already?
    ok
  6. Today I’m wearing a nice dark shade of exhaustion under my eyes.
  7. Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor’s coupons?
  8. My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
  9. I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
  10. Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
  11. My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
  12. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
  13. It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
  14. We’re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings.
  15. A lot of you lose your shit and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
  16. Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
  17. Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
  18. Getting my kids to school on time is like organizing a moon landing with tiny, grumpy astronauts.
  19. I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says “don’t be an asshole”
  20. Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cruel Mommy…

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Dawwwww poor baby! Does all that hard work of peeling the orange and then mom just takes it from her. Happy ending though :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.