Rhino gets Kicked, Friendship, and 20 Funny Facebook Status Updates

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

20 Funny Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Sorry, I’m too poor, I can’t afford to pay attention.
  2. Here’s a joke about ebola, you probably won’t get it though.
  3. Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
  4. The first 80 years of adulthood are always the toughest.
  5. Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
  6. Ways to tell a woman is mad at you:
    1. She is silent.
    2. She is yelling.
    3. She acts different.
    4. She acts the same.
    5. She kills you.
  7. I sincerely do not want your opinion.
  8. There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
  9. The mascara wand hits your cheek as you’re finishing your makeup = Just go back to bed.
  10. It’s getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.
  11. Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
  12. Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.
  13. Isn’t it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?
  14. 1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
  15. How many bad decisions are you gonna make until I become one?
  16. In my defense your honor, he said prolly.
  17. To find your prince you need to kiss a few frogs not sleep with the whole pond.
  18. Can’t stop drinking about you.
  19. Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
  20. I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Rhino Gets Kicked by His Buddy Giraffe…

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I don’t know why but, I watched that way too many times. I feel like they’re best friends and rhino was teasing him just a bit too much.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App. We’ll see you back on Monday for more Funny Facebook Status Updates :)

Meow Back, Racing Fan, and 20 Great Facebook Status Updates

Make someones Thursday, share one of these…

20 Great Facebook Status Updates:

  1. NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou shalt not start Christmas advertising when it is still October.
  2. Shit’s spiraling out of control and I’m all like “wheeeee.”
  3. Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard.
  4. The year is 2089. Toasters are made clear now and no one burns toast or bagels. Crime is at 0%
  5. I know I’ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
  6. You can stop trying to drive me crazy. I’m honestly close enough to walk to it from here.
  7. Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets.
  8. The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
  9. I’m trying to kick dairy and now I’ve got the milk shakes.
  10. I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
  11. I don’t ONLY care about myself. I care about like 5 other people… and animals.
  12. No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
  13. Nothing like my bank account to kill any feelings of spontaneity.
  14. Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
  15. I wonder how all those really loud and obnoxious gifts I gave my nieces and nephews are working now?
  16. I find your lack of a Facebook account highly suspicious.
  17. My career path is now going to be committing enough crimes so that the FBI asks for my help in preventing other crimes.
  18. I love those moments where no words are said, but you just start laughing with someone.
  19. You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
  20. If you say you can’t cook what your really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Racing Fan has a Cool Trick…

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That’s pretty awesome! Now I need a can to try this black magic.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Amazing Kid Costume, Best Friends, & Really Good Status Updates

Score more likes, share one of these…

Really Good Facebook Status Updates:

  1. My talents include stress eating and falling in love with people that will never love me back.
  2. School: juggling 50 things at once until you get so exhausted physically and mentally that you give up on everything and watch TV.
  3. *passionately sings the wrong line to a song*
  4. Why am I only motivated to sort my life out at 3am?
  5. Don’t worry kids, being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
  6. I need to take a day…..or four.
  7. It’s amazing how ‘not thin’ a box of Thin Mints can make you feel.
  8. My favorite winter activity is staying inside in my pajamas and being antisocial.
  9. I need to get my birthday suit taken in.
  10. Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
  11. Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
  12. I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
  13. Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
  14. Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they’ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what’s really going on.
  15. I tried being modest once, as expected I was f*cking amazing at it.
  16. I’m confident but not old dude in the gym changing room confident.
  17. I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
  18. You haven’t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
  19. Calm the eff down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.
  20. I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Best Kid Costume, EVER!

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This dad, wins! So amazingly cute :) Share if you enjoyed!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Caught in the Act, Pay Attention, and Quality Status Updates

Make someones Tuesday, share one of these…

20 Quality Facebook Status Posts from This Week:

  1. I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
  2. Excited to go to sleep tonight.
  3. It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
  4. I have so much homework…
    What movie should I watch?
  5. I’m equal parts sweetheart and smart ass.
  6. I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
  7. Thanks for pretending not to see me while I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation.
  8. Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
  9. Why can’t the ice cream man just get a fricken’ liquor license already?
  10. Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
  11. If you love someone set them free, and then follow their life without you on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for eternity.
  12. Guys, when your sitting there playing Call Of Duty, just know your girlfriends calling another guy to do your duty..
  13. To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
  14. If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
  15. The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
  16. I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.
  17. My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
  18. Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We’ll let you know.
  19. Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That’s how many seconds you just wasted.
  20. Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Man Caught Secretly Being a Fan…

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That beer won’t bring back your manliness my friend.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.