Working Sucks, Fake Lie Detector, & 20 Clever Status Updates

Make someone blow a little air out of their nose, share one of these..

20 Clever Facebook Status Updates:

  1. There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
  2. I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
  3. me: ok I’ll study at 8:00
    clock: 8:00
    me: *pretends I didn’t see*
  4. I just want to lie in bed and not participate in life.
  5. Having read receipts on your iPhone is the quickest way to ruin a relationship.
  6. Some days are just not meant to be productive.
  7. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
  8. Study tip:
    • Stand up
    • Stretch
    • Take a walk
    • Go to the airport
    • Get on a plane
    • Never return
  9. I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
  10. Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
  11. I’d rather be abroad.
  12. No pants are the best pants.
  13. Need a half hour of quiet time? Ask her for a selfie.
  14. I can’t figure out if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
  15. Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
  16. You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
  17. I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
  18. My Wife is also my ex-girlfriend.
  19. When a browser asks “Would you like to remember this password?” there ought to be a button that says “Only if it works”.
  20. The only time you would say a vacuum sucks is when it doesn’t.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Fake Lie Detector on a Kid..

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The ending was hilarious, I lost it! Please feel free to Like/Share if you enjoyed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Smart Chimps, Television, & Pro Facebook Status Updates

Make Hump Day fun, share one of these..

20 Pro Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Fate is when you find something you were never looking for and realize its everything you never knew you wanted.
  2. As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
  3. Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
  4. The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
  5. You kids nowadays are so lucky. In my day we only had front facing cameras. Very hard to take a selfie.
  6. I can see exactly 5 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
  7. Cheese is basically happiness that you can melt.
  8. I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
  9. This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
  10. Humor is of two types – below the belt and above the forehead.
  11. Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep.
  12. I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
  13. You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I’m telling you why…we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
  14. I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
  15. I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
  16. I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
  17. Eat like nobody is watching. Or dance. Whatever.
  18. I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, phone, chapstick and, on occasion, my sanity.
  19. JUST came up with a witty comeback for that thing you said 2 days ago!
  20. I want my eyelashes to be as black as my soul and as long as the list of people I hate.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Smart Chimp Solves Interesting Problem:

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How many of you would have been able to solve that?? Such amazing creatures!

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

MMA Fighter Flips, Expecting, & 20 Slick Facebook Statuses

Score more likes, share one of these..

20 Slick Facebook Statuses:

  1. Lazy is such an ugly word I prefer the term selective participation.
  2. I’m like that dress. Some people can’t see that I look exactly like George Clooney.
  3. My special talents include: jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours.
  4. I have no one to blame but everyone else.
  5. I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
  6. Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing happy birthday to you?
  7. “Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
  8. I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
  9. Super passive aggressive that the iPhone doesn’t auto-capitalize ‘Google’
  10. Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
  11. Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
  12. Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.
  13. Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
  14. Dear World, Stop saying “fleek.”
  15. Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
  16. I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
  17. I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
  18. Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late.
  19. The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
  20. Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

MMA Fighter Flips Out on Video Game Developer..

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LOL, that was epic! Mayhem is a funny guy. Feel free to like/share if you enjoyed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Cat Brushes Teeth, 2 Kinds of People, and 20 Great Facebook Posts.

These made me laugh, hope they do for you too..

20 Great Facebook Posts:

  1. That awkward moment when you plan a conversation in your head before asking someone for something.
  2. Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
  3. If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.
  4. Movie idea: Freaky Friday2015: Your LinkedIn profile and your Tinder profile accidentally switch places.
  5. Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
  6. It’s high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
  7. “You the bomb” “No you the bomb” Kind gesture in America. Argument in the Middle East.
  8. My mind was blown when I realized “OK” is a sideways person.
  9. While most people are getting more invested in relationships, I’m getting more invested in shows on Netflix.
  10. Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
  11. Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn’t have said out loud.
  12. My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
  13. Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
  14. The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
  15. “Know what would look good on you? Nothing.” Is both an insult and a compliment.
  16. The phrase “Do go on” contains 3 different pronunciations of the letter ‘o’
  17. There should be a movie rating based on how awkward it would be to watch with your parents.
  18. If Netflix had a “I don’t want to watch this movie. Ever” option, its recommendations would be much better.
  19. Thank God everyone agrees on the color of traffic lights.
  20. If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!”

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cat Brushes Teeth..

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Needless to say his mind was blown. That was hilarious! Like/Share if you’d like ;)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.