Dog Brakes, Never Learn, and Ingenious Facebook Statuses

Finally Friday, share one of these…

20 Ingenious Facebook Statuses:

  1. You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
  2. Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
  3. I HATE when people put up vague statuses saying how much you hate someone else but not going into full detail or giving out names……you know who you are.
  4. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
  5. You shouldn’t date a girl just because she’s beautiful, date a girl because she makes your world beautiful.
  6. This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
  7. I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
  8. Sorry the relationship everyone thought was the worst decision of your life has ended.
  9. I’m not nodding to say yes about your idea….The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you’re an idiot.
  10. Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
  11. Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.
  12. What you’re doing is creepy. Oh you’re attractive? Then it’s totally adorable.
  13. eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03″.
  14. Listen, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want but that’s just what your face really looks like.
  15. 1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
  16. My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
  17. The only people who don’t click “Skip” on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
  18. If you’re an adult, please don’t kiss your parent on the lips, you’re creeping everyone out.
  19. Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud.
  20. A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. ‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’He slams the door and returns to bed. ‘Who was that?’ asked his wife. ‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers. ‘Did you help him?’ she asks. ‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’ The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’ ‘Yes,’ comes back the answer. ‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband. ‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark. ‘Where are you?’ asks the husband. ‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Amazing Dog Brakes:

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Whoa, that Dog has better brakes than my car. Hilarious :)

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20 Ridiculous Facebook Status Updates, Laundry Antics, and A Paranormal Pug.

Enjoy your Thursday, one of these will surely make you laugh…

20 Ridiculous Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I just told someone that I have to pee pee. It’s hard toggling back and forth between being a parent and being a dude.
  2. Together we can stop bathroom mirror profile pictures.
  3. We have so much in common. You want to travel, and I want you to go.
  4. Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it.
  5. The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
  6. You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
  7. Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.
  8. If Burger King were Burger Queen, their slogan would be “Have it her way! Or you don’t get shit!”
  9. I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough bitches who have no personality and know everything.
  10. Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn’t one of them.
  11. If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
  12. Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
  13. I’d never call you a useless bag of shit. Shit is actually pretty useful as a fertilizer, but I have zero uses for you.
  14. Look I see that you love me and would kill for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I’ll play the odds. -Woman logic
  15. They should hold movie auditions in bars. That’s where most men and women do their best acting.
  16. Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!
  17. It’s not a typo. It’s a modern progressive alternative respelling.
  18. “Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
  19. Do you ever just rub your eyes so hard that you just start entering some other galaxy of swirls and patterns?
  20. Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Paranormal Pug:

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Cute or Creepy? You decide!

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Never Grow Up, Awkward Moment When, and Entertaining Facebook Status Updates.

Mid-week fun time, share one of these…

Entertaining Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I’m so thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside, instead of apps and how many likes you get on a picture.
  2. If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need some space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.
  3. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
  4. Facebook game requests are like the Jehova’s witnesses of the internet.
  5. My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
  6. How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.
  7. Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
  8. Relationships are basically an emotional game of Jenga.
  9. One time I looked up from my phone, it was horrifying! Don’t do it guys.
  10. I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
  11. If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
  12. Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
  13. During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.
  14. My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy…
  15. Everyone should believe in something. I believe I will have another beer.
  16. Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
  17. At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
  18. I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
  19. My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
  20. Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I’m dealing with cuz some of you f*ckers are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Big Sister Doesn’t Want Her Little Brother to Grow Up…

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I’ve never seen a kid act like that before. She’s right, that is one cute baby :)

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Thirsty Bird, Caring Father, and Absurd Facebook Statuses

One of these will make you laugh, guaranteed…

20 Absurd Facebook Statuses:

  1. I Put Red Bull in my coffee pot this morning instead of water. Right now, I can see noises.
  2. Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
  3. When I was little I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
  4. Ever have a plan for the day, then 4pm rolls around and you’ve achieved literally nothing?
  5. I waved goodbye to normal a long time ago.
  6. A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
  7. Sometimes those who don’t socialize much aren’t actually anti-social, they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.
  8. I’m in shape…
    Unfortunately that shape is a potato.
  9. “You know what I think they should do in Gaza?” tweeted the man half a world away from the safety and comfort of his reclining chair.
  10. Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
  11. To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
  12. My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
  13. If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.
  14. Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
  15. Apple is the Empire. Android is the Republic. Blackberry is Jar Jar Binks.
  16. Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
  17. The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
  18. It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
  19. Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
  20. Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I’d pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I’m still alive.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Thirsty Bird Asks Humans for Help…

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Took long enough for those silly humans to catch on. Smart bird :P

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our 4.5-star Rated iPhone App.