Start your week off right, share one of these…
Smart Facebook Status Posts:
- You know you’re getting old when your favorite kind of plans are canceled plans!
- I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
- Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
- The only time I put my phone down is when it rings.
- Must be lonely over there on “I’m offended by jokes” island.
- You’ve got roughly .003 seconds after the cashier gives you your change to clear out before the person behind you wants to set you on fire
- There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
- So when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I’m moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.
- My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
- Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
- Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
- The happiness of your life…depends on the quality of your thoughts.
- Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up too…unless you are in jail.
- I don’t care if it’s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I’m 97% more likely to participate.
- The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird shit.
- Always remember the three R’s of life: 1) Respect for yourself 2) Respect for others 3) Radiation gives you superpowers
- It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
- Usually relationships end when people get tired of pretending to be the person their partner likes.
- Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
- Facebook Status: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are! Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.
Large Hammerhead Shark Near Miss:
When someone tells you SHARK you gtfo of the water! Their reaction when they finally realize is priceless.