Cat Says No, Punny, & Top 20 Weekend Status Updates

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these..

Top 20 Weekend Status Updates:

  1. I’m slowly becoming more unable to fit my hand into a pringles can…is this what growing up feels like?
  2. Sorry for triple texts I can’t gather thoughts into 1 message.
  3. Have you ever lost any respect you once held for a person in a matter of minutes.
  4. I run marathons. Just kidding, I drink beer.
  5. I’m not a morning person.
    I’m not even an afternoon person.
    I pretty much start functioning at 6pm.
  6. I speak four languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm and Real Talk.
  7. Being an adult is basically a “choose your own adventure” book, but every choice sounds terrible.
  8. I hate watching an episode a week. I more a “season per day” kind of person.
  9. My goal in life isn’t to become famous or powerful…it’s to make enough money to eat whatever I want.
  10. The Friend Zone: It’s like an employer turning you down for the job, then calling you weekly to complain about the guy they hired.
  11. My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend.
  12. Sometimes I forget how I did things without a smart phone like get directions, find recipes or have insomnia.
  13. Nothing like trying to study to make you realize how cool the ceiling looks.
  14. I don’t sugar coat things. I’m not Willy Wonka.
  15. I’m gonna regret this next episode in the morning…. *presses play*
  16. I don’t know what’s worse – getting in the shower or getting out?
  17. My favorite part of Cinderella isn’t the prince. It’s the idea of a night off and a free ball gown.
  18. Eat anything you want. And if people make fun of your weight, eat them, too.
  19. That awkward moment when people start stuff on your Facebook status and you just don’t want to get involved.
  20. My maturity level is entirely dependent on who I’m around.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Cat Screams No When Getting in Bath..

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How is that possible? So weird and so funny!

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Russian Army, Farmville, & 20 Damn Good Statuses

Get your likes on, share one of deez..

20 Damn Good Statuses:

  1. I love food and sleep. If I give you a bit of food or text you all night, that means something.
  2. Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?
  3. Diets are hard because I get hungry.
  4. I wonder if anyone creepily stalks me like I do to other people sometimes.
  5. You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.
  6. You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
  7. It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a shit.
  8. Youtube should make it so that people can’t leave a comment until they have played through the entire video at least once.
  9. Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
  10. I trust a lot of people not to kill me every day.
  11. I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.
  12. I don’t have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
  13. We’ve been through a lot together and all of it was your fault.
  14. Finding someone to sleep with is easy it’s finding someone that you want to wake up with that’s hard.
  15. The only honest people in the world are small children and drunk me.
  16. Taco Bell doesn’t have a play place because it’s hard to have fun when you might shit your pants.
  17. Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
  18. I don’t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face.
  19. I’m a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, I’m awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
  20. Sometimes I forget how I did things without a smart phone like get directions, find recipes or have insomnia.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Russian Army Sings Barbie Girl..

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Better than the original if you ask me :)

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Penguin Dance, High School, & 20 Clever Status Updates

Make someones day, share one of these…

20 Clever Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.
  2. Car headlights should flash at the same time the horn is pressed to alert people with hearing difficulties.
  3. I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
  4. I’d like to retract any previous statements about wanting to grow up.
  5. My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She’d better not expect a reference.
  6. Running for President is like having a Kickstarter where you give away cabinet positions and ambassadorships to the people that hit certain donor levels.
  7. What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
  8. Fifty shades of tired.
  9. People whose first instinct is to smile when they make eye contact with you are some of earth’s treasures and need to be protected.
  10. I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  11. 500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
  12. When two people are arguing and one person says “You know what…” , that argument is about to get awesome!
  13. We all know that one dude who’s existence just pisses us off.
  14. My heart says hamburger but my jeans say salad.
  15. It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
  16. People who pronounce ASAP with the individual letters aren’t pronouncing it as soon as possible.
  17. All milk is breast milk.
  18. I don’t have an anger problem. You have a pissing-me-off problem.
  19. My calling in life went straight to voicemail.
  20. You only live once? False. You live everyday. You only die once.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Penguin Dance Off..

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Dem some good dancing penguins.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.

Car Horn Power, Sad Truth, & The 20 Funniest Facebook Statuses

From this week on Facebook…

The 20 Funniest Facebook Statuses:

  1. If someone says “pinch me, I must be dreaming”. You shouldn’t pinch them, because if they wake up you stop existing.
  2. I wonder if Apple called their new watch the Apple Watch because iWatch would just be creepy.
  3. If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
  4. Laminate your index cards when studying. Not only does it prevent smearing, but the teardrops actually roll right off.
  5. The Rocky Mountains is an extremely lazy name for a mountain range.
  6. If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
  7. Rap is all about poor people bragging about being rich, while country is rich people bragging about being poor.
  8. There is no “i” in team…there is however an “i” in ‘win’, ‘achievement’, ‘prevail’, ‘triumph’, ‘first place’, ‘gold medalist’ and ‘champion’.
  9. Reckless driving is bad, and wreckless driving is good.
  10. When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more often.
  11. Do you think there are more spoons than people?
  12. Chuck Norris will eventually die, and on that day the internet will turn into the biggest shit show we have ever seen.
  13. To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
  14. Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
  15. “Ladies first” was probably invented by a dude who enjoyed admiring women from behind.
  16. You should be able to downvote google links that were completely worthless or spammy.
  17. You don’t kill time, times kills you.
  18. If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
  19. Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
  20. Do you ever just think about the first time you met someone and compare it to where you guys are now and it’s like wow who knew this would happen.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Power of a Car Horn…

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Sometimes I wish my car horn wielded that kind of power.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App.